


The Violent Bear It Away

by verob2002



Series: Thoughts Beyond Our Horizon [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek Beyond - Fandom, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, SPOILERS FOR STAR TREK BEYOND, Sexual Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 09:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7569751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verob2002/pseuds/verob2002
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What thoughts run through Kirk's mind before and after he glazes at Sulu with his family in Star Trek Beyond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Violent Bear It Away

**Author's Note:**

> The story features Kirk briefly fantasizing about Spock and Uhura's relationship and invited to partake.
> 
> This story is named after a song by Moby that happened to play a lot as I wrote this and inspired me to write more than I'd initially planned.
> 
> I wrote this the day after the film premiered. I know I kind of rushed it and I probably could have added more to it, but I knew if I didn't finish and post it in the same day I probably would never have finished it. 
> 
> This is my first fic in a long time and completely unbeta'ed so all the mistakes are mine. Please feel free to point out any glaring ones or not so glaring ones. Concrit is welcomed and feedback appreciated.

Kirk lets his feet carry him through the terminal as the crew disembark the ship for a long and well deserved shore leave.

Kirk ambles absently through the crowd toward the terminal exit, but he pauses to look up and take a real look at his surroundings. He turns and sighs throwing his hands up in the air in a show of mild self-exasperation. It seems even his walk has been unconsciously tainted by this...this drifting. Now this aimless shuffling seems to have replaced his once purposeful strides. He looks around him to see many of his crew being greeted enthusiastically by family and friends... no one was there to meet him.

He has friends. He has...had...in a few weeks, will have had his ship and his crew. But there is an emptiness in his life. He hopes this change will be the first step in remedying that.

He’d admit to himself that he has lost the passion he’d once had in excess.

There was a time when he’d been brimming with excitement to take on a voyage of this duration. A five year mission into uncharted space. To boldly go where no one has gone before.

Kirk sighs again. Where had that excitement gone and left him.

His upcoming meeting with Commodore Paris, at least, seemed to break up the monotony he been feeling somewhat. Equal parts dread and guilt-ridden relief, Kirk left the ship ready to leave the life of a Starship Captain behind.

‘Joined Starfleet on a dare.’ Kirk thought and laughs humorlessly to himself.

He pauses as he watches Sulu greet his husband and daughter. The easy and loving way this family interact brings a wistful smile to Kirk’s face. He stays there watching as Sulu’s family walk away still embracing one another.

His hand moves to his face, rubbing a sobering palm to his cheek and brow. ‘I’m now one year older than my dad will ever be.’ Kirk sighs heavily. His father was already well on his way to being a fine, upstanding, law-abiding, rule-following, Starfleet officer and a father-to-be well before Kirk’s age.

Maybe it was time he’d started to consider it. A family. To find someone and settle down with.

He chuckles when he thinks of the experience he’d gained over the years finding someone...to spend the night, the weekend or a week with at most. But that was the extent of it. He went from being a feckless, repeat offending local genius to a reckless, but effective captain of Constitution class starship in the Federation’s Starfleet. He’d learned plenty about being a captain, crewmate and friend in recent years, but his emotional development didn’t really come with instructions on how to form a long lasting and meaningful romantic relationship. He wasn’t sure what was the best way to go about things in that respect.

The chuckle segways into mirthlessness. ‘Yeah, go find someone and hope they fill this void in me.’

This time a real chuckle bubbles up. It makes him think about what he’d probably go for later on that night at least.

On the enterprise, technically, everyone was his subordinate, and to the surprise of A LOT of people to which Kirk would have felt the need to feel mildly offended if not for sound reasoning behind their assumption, Kirk had been adamant about remaining strictly professional and courteous with his crew. He even surprised himself when he’d willfully ignored all of Carol Marcus’s hints that she would definitely interested in forming a ahem...mutually beneficial understanding with him.

But now, here, on a base inhabited by millions, free from the hierarchical restrictions of a Starfleet captain... even the thrill of an encounter free from those constraints, he couldn’t get himself to feel little more an a cursory excitement for it.

The excitement… the passion... it wasn’t there.

There was a time, Kirk would have been brimming with it to explore the bodies of each and everyone of the partners he’d been with. To worship their bodies, using his genius level intellect to figure out what made each person, regardless of gender, he taken to bed scream and climax with, if he did say so himself, mind-blowing, earth shattering pleasure.

Kirk takes a steadying breath, readjusts the pack on his shoulder and continues on his way. Sad to say, even his drive to pull someone was lacking. He’d probably have to rethink his plans for the night. He absolutely refused to be someone’s disappointing lay. ‘He had a rep to protect,’ Kirk laughs to himself.

Kirk abruptly swallowed, his eyes momentary glazing and pushes away an insistent thought that suddenly sparked and flickered at the edge of his consciousness.

This wasn’t the first time. It liked to make an appearance on the edge of his conscious thoughts from time to time. But it was always pushed aside as a funny, little thought his mind liked to conjure up.

However, it was a funny, little thought that was becoming consistently more insistent over time, not less, despite Kirk’s continual dismissal.

He looked at Spock and Uhura’s relationship from the outside, and imagined he’d been thinking what everyone else had been probably thinking…. ‘How could you two possibly make it work?’

But they seemed to anyway. And from the outside, Kirk also thought they were hot and incredibly hot together. Kirk would even admit to himself that he’d fantasized about being invited to join their….Spock would probably refer to it as something akin to ‘coupling.’

‘Wait, a couple are two individuals or things paired together. No way would Spock play fast and loose with a definition like that even to describe a casual sexual encounter. No, no, he would use a word like coitus or sexual intercourse,’ Kirk thought and laughed to himself for correcting fake-Spock come-on line.

Kirk chuckled to himself again before he resumed fantasy Spock’s revised come-on line, ‘Captain, would you be disposed to engage in coitus with myself and Nyota at your earliest convenience?’

Kirk’s breath hitched.

‘Well, whatever, it’s not like it going to happen now anyway.’ He shakes his head lightly and takes a sobering breath. ‘How the hell am I going to explain leaving the Enterprise to Spock.’

They were a team. Any endeavor they ventured upon seemed to be made a hundred time better by the mere fact that they were working together.  
  
Even after the rush of starting their five year mission had started to ebb away and their mission gradually lulled him into this current and frankly embarrassing existential crisis of his captaincy, Spock was still one of the few bright spots he would regret leaving.

He couldn’t help thinking that his father wouldn’t have had this crisis.

Kirk sighs and berates himself, ‘You don’t know what he’d do. You didn’t fucking know the man! The man is on a fucking pedestal because he died before he could fucking fall off it!’

He swallows and blinks away the glassy moisture obscuring his vision. Suddenly, Kirk is aware he’s standing still in this bright, happy space as people reroute and flow around him like a pebble in a stream. In this place, where people reunite, kiss and clutch tightly to the ones they love and missed.

Kirk clenches his fist until the feelings of anger, abandonment, fear and the familiar heart aching longing for a father he will never have or know pass away.

Kirk takes another steadying breath and shakes his head to clear it, ‘This trek to my hotel room and then to base command is involving a lot of meditative breathing to get through it. Definitely more than I’ve ever have expected.’ Spock would be proud of Kirk attempting to use breathing exercises to tame wildly different emotions running rampant in his mind.

In a low, breathless exaltation, Kirk whispers Spock into the space. It’s promptly swallowed up in the mass of noise, light and life.

Kirk quirks his lips into a half-smile. It funny how those little fantasies he admits to having once in awhile happen at a greater rate than he’s comfortable admitting. They also happen to feature two actors much more prominently and less of a wild, free-for-all menage a trois. In fact, it’s been an act of coupling for a long time now.

Perhaps, seeing them staying strong isn’t doing much for this funk he’s in.

Don’t get him wrong, he loves and respects them both. He’d do anything for them. To keep them safe and wants nothing but their happiness.

But if he had to choose someone. If he had to choose someone to be with, he’d want it be someone he trusted wholeheartedly… trusted to keep his crew safe, trusted to keep him honest, trusted enough to actually want and eventually raise hypothetical children with… gladly entrust with his heart to and to love…

Kirk sighs again and shakes his head one last time before strengthening his resolve. As far he could tell, he and Uhura were still going strong. It was time to take hold of that teeny, tiny ember of hope that he had hidden away from himself 99.98% of the time and just let it go.

Kirk takes one last steadying breath, and restarts his trek out of the terminal.


End file.
